January 2009
The Rangers Bullpen…In Trouble Before Spring Training?
There’s at least one person in that picture that
won’t be there this year. With Joaquin Benoit out for what can we can assume is
the season after having surgery Wednesday to repair is partially torn rotator
cuff, who will fill his place?
As of right now this is what the Rangers are limping into Spring Training with
in the way of Relief Pitchers (ones currently on the 40 man roster):
1. John Bannister
2. Thomas Diamond
3. Willie Eyre
4. Frank Francisco
5. Warner Madrigal
6. Brandon McCarthy
7. Dustin Nippert
8. Guillermo Moscoso
9. C. J. Wilson
10. Josh Rupe
11. Luis Mendoza
Not on the 40 man roster:
1. Derrick Turnbow
2. Brian Gordon
3. Kaz Fukumori
This is under the assumption of several things:
1) The Rangers sign Sheets
2) Your starting rotation consists of Sheets, Millwood, Padilla, Feldman and Harrison.
3) They make no free agent acquisitions over the next couple months.
Starting at the top of the list I am going to make cases for and against each
player:
1. John Bannister – Who? Exactly. Bannister has never thrown
an inning in the Majors. He is a 6-4, 200 pound righty who is coming off Tommy
John surgery from two years ago. He sat down 19 batters in 18 innings in the
Fall Instructional League in Arizona,
hopefully he has the ability to do so at a higher level than AA. Touted as
being “a combination of both Diamond and Moscoso” he is a power
pitcher who has the ability to be a lock down reliever at the Major League
Level, but will he even break camp is the main question right now.
2. Thomas Diamond – He could quite possibly become the Rangers version of the “prodigal son” this year. A can’t miss
prospect and the only remaining consonant in the highly touted DVD prospect
party of three, (comprised of John Danks, Edinson Volquez and Thomas Diamond)
Diamond will have a chance this season to prove that he can still live up to
the hype, even after Tommy John surgery. This season is going to be huge for
Diamond, if he can have success out of the pen he might looking at the
opportunity to start as early as June. For his sake and for the sake of the
season, we need Diamond to shine.
3. Willie Eyre – Someone with the name of Willie
Mays should be destined for baseball greatness, right? Well in the case of
William Mays Eyre, he has fallen short so far. Willie Eyre was used in 2007 in
33 games, amassing a 4-6 record with a 5.16 ERA. He was lost for the entire
2008 season to Tommy John Surgery. In a similar situation to Thomas Diamond,
Eyre will be given an opportunity to show he is completely healed. Before the
surgery he was on his way to becoming a pretty decent middle reliever. If he
can come out this year and pitch in 60+ games with a sub 5.00 ERA he will be
very valuable to a club that is looking for bodies to supplement the bullpen.
4. Frank Francisco – The young
righthander should go into camp as the Rangers first choice for the closer role
this year. After C. J. Wilson was injured and Eddie Guardado was traded,
Francisco took over the role of closer towards the end of the 2008 season. He
filled the role well and barring injury or lights out performances in Spring Training
by C. J. Wilson or Derrick Turnbow, it is highly likely that Francisco will be
the 9th inning man for the Rangers on Opening Day.
5. Warner Madrigal – The outfielder turned
pitcher who was snatched up by the Rangers during the 2008 offseason by way of
an Angels paperwork error, has a lot to prove in 2009. After only 31
appearances in AA and AAA Madrigal was thrown to the wolves in 2008, his first
appearance coming at the hands of the Yankees, in Yankee stadium, with a one
run lead, in the bottom of the 7th. Not exactly an easy situation
for a kid who just 2 years before was catching flyballs for the Angels. He came
into the game and gave up 6 runs, recording 1 out. I remember watching at Don
Carter’s bowling alley, wondering what the hell just happened. After his first
outing, Madrigal recorded a salty 162.00 ERA. However, over the final two month
he had a 3.28 ERA, dropping his season total to 4.75. Madrigal has the
opportunity to do what Steady Eddie did last year, come in and shut the door in
the 8th.
6. Brandon McCarthy – Everyone’s favorite DL
All-Star is back for another season at the ballpark. The annually fragile
righty has put on 25 pounds of muscle in the offseason in an attempt to combat
the case of glass body he has subjected all of us to the past couple years. The
main piece in the John Danks trade, McCarthy has not come close to living up to
the hype surrounding him in the White Sox trade. McCarthy is pointed to over
and over again by the detractors of Jon Daniels and his past trades, and
rightfully so, but McCarthy has the opportunity to come out this season, with
lowered expectations and little pressure, and do what he was supposed to have done
this whole time, get hitters out. McCarthy has generally been used as a
starter, but with the promotions of Scott Feldman and Matt Harrison, I see him
coming out of the bullpen for long relief this year. Hopefully the shorter
outings will cut down on his wear and tear. We can only hope that the added
weight helps with his fragility, if he could be healthy for a whole season
maybe we will finally get to see what Jon Daniels saw two years ago.
7. Dustin Nippert – Nip, Nip,
Nip…As a starter 6.00+ ERA, as a reliever 6.00+ ERA, if they need an arm fine,
if they don’t leave him on the bench. Will be good for a spot start or short
relief, but I’ve had about enough of Nippert. I give him ’till the end of May
to prove he isn’t a total spare, if he has a 5.50+ Earned Run Average, I say we
send him back to AAA and bring up one of the younger guys.
8. Guillermo Moscoso – The
front end of a two player deal made for Gerald Laird this offseason. His
counterpart, Carlos Melo, is a 17 year old kid who can hit 96 mph (comparisons
to Neftali Feliz are plentiful with this youngster). While Moscoso might not be
regarded as the potential golden ticket out of that trade he could be a nice
piece out of the bullpen. His big stat is his strikeout/walk totals, a number
that has plagued the Rangers since Nolan Ryan last tipped his cap. In the
minors, Moscoso has amassed 278 K’s against a paltry 56 Walks, a number any
baseball person can truly appreciate. The last time the Rangers had a guy with
a 5:1 K/BB ratio was, well…never, or at least not since I can remember. Expect
him to be given a decent chance to make the roster in Spring Training. With
only six starts in AA on his resume you can probably expect the 25 year old to
be more of a science experiment than anything. Don’t expect much from him in
the way of Major League contribution this season (or any season for that
matter) but keep your fingers crossed that his numbers can be translated to the
bigs.
9. C. J. Wilson – Poor, poor,
C. J. I think we all long for the days of the scorpion tail coming out to shut
down the 9th, but those days ended along with his season last year.
Coming off a much needed elbow surgery to remove bone spurs that plagued him
during the 2008 season, Wilson
will be at 100% health for the first time since 2007. Between 2006-2007, C. J.
had a 3.43 ERA in 110 games, holding opposing batters to a measly .219 batting
average. I have no doubt that his elbow significantly effected his season last
year. He is another candidate for the 8th inning role, but can also
be used in tight spots against lefties. It’ll be good to see a healthy C. J.
out there to start this season, and I know from interviewing him a few weeks
ago, that he is ready to show all of us he can still sling it around.
10. Josh Rupe – The poster boy
for overworked Rangers relievers last season. Rupe, who was one pace to have a
really nice season, imploded towards the end of the year with a severe case of,
“great, we are down by 8 runs and I haven’t had rest in 6 days and they want me
to go throw 2 innings, sure, I’ll get right on that”. Also known as tired arm.
Between May and August, Rupe was 3-0 with a 3.12 ERA in 49 innings. He had 30
strikeouts over this period, walking 17 and giving up 46 hits. A sub 1.00 WHIP
with a respectable K/BB ratio. The loss of Benoit probably hurts someone like
Rupe the most. Benoit could eat innings like Rupe last year, and without him
there to take some innings away from guys like Rupe, it could be another long
season with tired arm for him.
11. Kason Gabbard – The soft
throwing lefty who has been battered pretty well the past two years, could be
seeing time out of the bullpen as a situational lefty. Gabbard has only come
out in relief 4 times in his career. I would expect the Rangers to give him a
chance in the bullpen role if other starters prove themselves early.
The Rangers Bullpen…In Trouble Before Spring Training?
There’s at least one person in that picture that
won’t be there this year. With Joaquin Benoit out for what can we can assume is
the season after having surgery Wednesday to repair is partially torn rotator
cuff, who will fill his place?
As of right now this is what the Rangers are limping into Spring Training with
in the way of Relief Pitchers (ones currently on the 40 man roster):
1. John Bannister
2. Thomas Diamond
3. Willie Eyre
4. Frank Francisco
5. Warner Madrigal
6. Brandon McCarthy
7. Dustin Nippert
8. Guillermo Moscoso
9. C. J. Wilson
10. Josh Rupe
11. Luis Mendoza
Not on the 40 man roster:
1. Derrick Turnbow
2. Brian Gordon
3. Kaz Fukumori
This is under the assumption of several things:
1) The Rangers sign Sheets
2) Your starting rotation consists of Sheets, Millwood, Padilla, Feldman and Harrison.
3) They make no free agent acquisitions over the next couple months.
Starting at the top of the list I am going to make cases for and against each
player:
1. John Bannister – Who? Exactly. Bannister has never thrown
an inning in the Majors. He is a 6-4, 200 pound righty who is coming off Tommy
John surgery from two years ago. He sat down 19 batters in 18 innings in the
Fall Instructional League in Arizona,
hopefully he has the ability to do so at a higher level than AA. Touted as
being “a combination of both Diamond and Moscoso” he is a power
pitcher who has the ability to be a lock down reliever at the Major League
Level, but will he even break camp is the main question right now.
2. Thomas Diamond – He could quite possibly become the Rangers version of the “prodigal son” this year. A can’t miss
prospect and the only remaining consonant in the highly touted DVD prospect
party of three, (comprised of John Danks, Edinson Volquez and Thomas Diamond)
Diamond will have a chance this season to prove that he can still live up to
the hype, even after Tommy John surgery. This season is going to be huge for
Diamond, if he can have success out of the pen he might looking at the
opportunity to start as early as June. For his sake and for the sake of the
season, we need Diamond to shine.
3. Willie Eyre – Someone with the name of Willie
Mays should be destined for baseball greatness, right? Well in the case of
William Mays Eyre, he has fallen short so far. Willie Eyre was used in 2007 in
33 games, amassing a 4-6 record with a 5.16 ERA. He was lost for the entire
2008 season to Tommy John Surgery. In a similar situation to Thomas Diamond,
Eyre will be given an opportunity to show he is completely healed. Before the
surgery he was on his way to becoming a pretty decent middle reliever. If he
can come out this year and pitch in 60+ games with a sub 5.00 ERA he will be
very valuable to a club that is looking for bodies to supplement the bullpen.
4. Frank Francisco – The young
righthander should go into camp as the Rangers first choice for the closer role
this year. After C. J. Wilson was injured and Eddie Guardado was traded,
Francisco took over the role of closer towards the end of the 2008 season. He
filled the role well and barring injury or lights out performances in Spring Training
by C. J. Wilson or Derrick Turnbow, it is highly likely that Francisco will be
the 9th inning man for the Rangers on Opening Day.
5. Warner Madrigal – The outfielder turned
pitcher who was snatched up by the Rangers during the 2008 offseason by way of
an Angels paperwork error, has a lot to prove in 2009. After only 31
appearances in AA and AAA Madrigal was thrown to the wolves in 2008, his first
appearance coming at the hands of the Yankees, in Yankee stadium, with a one
run lead, in the bottom of the 7th. Not exactly an easy situation
for a kid who just 2 years before was catching flyballs for the Angels. He came
into the game and gave up 6 runs, recording 1 out. I remember watching at Don
Carter’s bowling alley, wondering what the hell just happened. After his first
outing, Madrigal recorded a salty 162.00 ERA. However, over the final two month
he had a 3.28 ERA, dropping his season total to 4.75. Madrigal has the
opportunity to do what Steady Eddie did last year, come in and shut the door in
the 8th.
6. Brandon McCarthy – Everyone’s favorite DL
All-Star is back for another season at the ballpark. The annually fragile
righty has put on 25 pounds of muscle in the offseason in an attempt to combat
the case of glass body he has subjected all of us to the past couple years. The
main piece in the John Danks trade, McCarthy has not come close to living up to
the hype surrounding him in the White Sox trade. McCarthy is pointed to over
and over again by the detractors of Jon Daniels and his past trades, and
rightfully so, but McCarthy has the opportunity to come out this season, with
lowered expectations and little pressure, and do what he was supposed to have done
this whole time, get hitters out. McCarthy has generally been used as a
starter, but with the promotions of Scott Feldman and Matt Harrison, I see him
coming out of the bullpen for long relief this year. Hopefully the shorter
outings will cut down on his wear and tear. We can only hope that the added
weight helps with his fragility, if he could be healthy for a whole season
maybe we will finally get to see what Jon Daniels saw two years ago.
7. Dustin Nippert – Nip, Nip,
Nip…As a starter 6.00+ ERA, as a reliever 6.00+ ERA, if they need an arm fine,
if they don’t leave him on the bench. Will be good for a spot start or short
relief, but I’ve had about enough of Nippert. I give him ’till the end of May
to prove he isn’t a total spare, if he has a 5.50+ Earned Run Average, I say we
send him back to AAA and bring up one of the younger guys.
8. Guillermo Moscoso – The
front end of a two player deal made for Gerald Laird this offseason. His
counterpart, Carlos Melo, is a 17 year old kid who can hit 96 mph (comparisons
to Neftali Feliz are plentiful with this youngster). While Moscoso might not be
regarded as the potential golden ticket out of that trade he could be a nice
piece out of the bullpen. His big stat is his strikeout/walk totals, a number
that has plagued the Rangers since Nolan Ryan last tipped his cap. In the
minors, Moscoso has amassed 278 K’s against a paltry 56 Walks, a number any
baseball person can truly appreciate. The last time the Rangers had a guy with
a 5:1 K/BB ratio was, well…never, or at least not since I can remember. Expect
him to be given a decent chance to make the roster in Spring Training. With
only six starts in AA on his resume you can probably expect the 25 year old to
be more of a science experiment than anything. Don’t expect much from him in
the way of Major League contribution this season (or any season for that
matter) but keep your fingers crossed that his numbers can be translated to the
bigs.
9. C. J. Wilson – Poor, poor,
C. J. I think we all long for the days of the scorpion tail coming out to shut
down the 9th, but those days ended along with his season last year.
Coming off a much needed elbow surgery to remove bone spurs that plagued him
during the 2008 season, Wilson
will be at 100% health for the first time since 2007. Between 2006-2007, C. J.
had a 3.43 ERA in 110 games, holding opposing batters to a measly .219 batting
average. I have no doubt that his elbow significantly effected his season last
year. He is another candidate for the 8th inning role, but can also
be used in tight spots against lefties. It’ll be good to see a healthy C. J.
out there to start this season, and I know from interviewing him a few weeks
ago, that he is ready to show all of us he can still sling it around.
10. Josh Rupe – The poster boy
for overworked Rangers relievers last season. Rupe, who was one pace to have a
really nice season, imploded towards the end of the year with a severe case of,
“great, we are down by 8 runs and I haven’t had rest in 6 days and they want me
to go throw 2 innings, sure, I’ll get right on that”. Also known as tired arm.
Between May and August, Rupe was 3-0 with a 3.12 ERA in 49 innings. He had 30
strikeouts over this period, walking 17 and giving up 46 hits. A sub 1.00 WHIP
with a respectable K/BB ratio. The loss of Benoit probably hurts someone like
Rupe the most. Benoit could eat innings like Rupe last year, and without him
there to take some innings away from guys like Rupe, it could be another long
season with tired arm for him.
11. Kason Gabbard – The soft
throwing lefty who has been battered pretty well the past two years, could be
seeing time out of the bullpen as a situational lefty. Gabbard has only come
out in relief 4 times in his career. I would expect the Rangers to give him a
chance in the bullpen role if other starters prove themselves early.
What the Rangers need to do with the Ben Sheets contract…
been in the league for almost 10 years and I have no doubt that he is
going to be prepared going into camp regardless of which uniform he is
wearing. That being said I still think he signs with the Rangers, but
you do have to wonder what is going on with the contract to hold them
up so long.
First off, I think the Rangers might be angling for
a 1 year + option deal. I don’t think this is a bad idea, but something
Sheets is not going to want. He is going to want 3-4 years guaranteed
for his gimpy arm. Bottom line is they need to meet somewhere in the
middle. Signing him to a straight one-year deal (like a lot of the
teams in the Sheets sweepstakes have been trying to do) is detrimental
to the Rangers in several ways. First, if he has a career year and
doesn’t get hurt, he gets lured away by another team that can afford to
pay him. If they sign him to one year with an option, he will be
pitching in 2009 and 2010, not enough time for the young arms to really
bolster this rotation.
I think they need to get a 2 year deal
with a 1 year team option put together. Structure the contract to pay
more guaranteed on the back end to give them time to get rid of
Millwood and Padilla’s contracts for good. Here are some of the points
you have to look at.
1. Ben Sheets is fragile. If he can come out and hit 175 innings for
the next 3 years he will be extremely valuable to this team, if he does
it for 65 innings this year, 105 innings next year, and 95 the year
after that, he isn’t worth the contract.
2. Millwood and Padilla have contracts that expire at the end of
2010, barring that their team options are picked up (something I am not
sure will happen). Millwood makes
$11 million this year, $12 million next year. The club option will be
realized if he hits 180 innings this year, if not I don’t think you
will see Millwood here next year. Padilla is worth $12 million this
year
and $12 million in 2010. The club has an optional $1.75 million buy-out
on Padilla’s contract for 2010. I think it all depends on what he does
this year if the contract is renewed. Basically you might be seeing $24
million (over 1/3 of the current Rangers payroll) slashed next season,
which would allow them to sign Ben Sheets (who is much better than
Millie or Pads when he isn’t on the DL) for cheap and for an extended
period of time without much downside.
3.
Sheets is cheap. Barring he needs surgery right now (which wouldn’t
surprise me, I think Mark Connor is putting something in the water that
tears rotator cuffs) he comes at a very cheap price for the lowly
Rangers. His contract will probably be in the $6-$8 million range,
which is very reasonable for the caliber of pitcher he is. If the
Rangers can stand to choke down his contract if he needs season ending
surgery in either of the first two years (which I think they should be
able to handle) then go ahead and sign him.
Here is my proposal:
Sign
Sheets, sign him now. Sign him for $6.5 million guaranteed in the first
year with incentives up to $10.5 million, 7.5 million guaranteed in the
second year with incentives up to 11.5 million, and give him a club
option in 2011 for $10 million guaranteed up to $12 million in
incentives. If we can hang on to him until 2011, and keep him healthy,
Holland, Feliz, Main, and the rest of the kids will be longterm guys in
the rotation, with Sheets they will have a veteran ace to lead the way.
What the Rangers need to do with the Ben Sheets contract…
been in the league for almost 10 years and I have no doubt that he is
going to be prepared going into camp regardless of which uniform he is
wearing. That being said I still think he signs with the Rangers, but
you do have to wonder what is going on with the contract to hold them
up so long.
First off, I think the Rangers might be angling for
a 1 year + option deal. I don’t think this is a bad idea, but something
Sheets is not going to want. He is going to want 3-4 years guaranteed
for his gimpy arm. Bottom line is they need to meet somewhere in the
middle. Signing him to a straight one-year deal (like a lot of the
teams in the Sheets sweepstakes have been trying to do) is detrimental
to the Rangers in several ways. First, if he has a career year and
doesn’t get hurt, he gets lured away by another team that can afford to
pay him. If they sign him to one year with an option, he will be
pitching in 2009 and 2010, not enough time for the young arms to really
bolster this rotation.
I think they need to get a 2 year deal
with a 1 year team option put together. Structure the contract to pay
more guaranteed on the back end to give them time to get rid of
Millwood and Padilla’s contracts for good. Here are some of the points
you have to look at.
1. Ben Sheets is fragile. If he can come out and hit 175 innings for
the next 3 years he will be extremely valuable to this team, if he does
it for 65 innings this year, 105 innings next year, and 95 the year
after that, he isn’t worth the contract.
2. Millwood and Padilla have contracts that expire at the end of
2010, barring that their team options are picked up (something I am not
sure will happen). Millwood makes
$11 million this year, $12 million next year. The club option will be
realized if he hits 180 innings this year, if not I don’t think you
will see Millwood here next year. Padilla is worth $12 million this
year
and $12 million in 2010. The club has an optional $1.75 million buy-out
on Padilla’s contract for 2010. I think it all depends on what he does
this year if the contract is renewed. Basically you might be seeing $24
million (over 1/3 of the current Rangers payroll) slashed next season,
which would allow them to sign Ben Sheets (who is much better than
Millie or Pads when he isn’t on the DL) for cheap and for an extended
period of time without much downside.
3.
Sheets is cheap. Barring he needs surgery right now (which wouldn’t
surprise me, I think Mark Connor is putting something in the water that
tears rotator cuffs) he comes at a very cheap price for the lowly
Rangers. His contract will probably be in the $6-$8 million range,
which is very reasonable for the caliber of pitcher he is. If the
Rangers can stand to choke down his contract if he needs season ending
surgery in either of the first two years (which I think they should be
able to handle) then go ahead and sign him.
Here is my proposal:
Sign
Sheets, sign him now. Sign him for $6.5 million guaranteed in the first
year with incentives up to $10.5 million, 7.5 million guaranteed in the
second year with incentives up to 11.5 million, and give him a club
option in 2011 for $10 million guaranteed up to $12 million in
incentives. If we can hang on to him until 2011, and keep him healthy,
Holland, Feliz, Main, and the rest of the kids will be longterm guys in
the rotation, with Sheets they will have a veteran ace to lead the way.
Thurday Morning Doo Doo Story…
Since the Rangers have nothing going on except their pitchers tearing rotator cuffs mowing lawns, or fishing, or playing xbox, or whatever they are doing to screw with my season of late, I have decided to do a 180 degree turn and write about doo doo. I know this is pretty much the hack thing to do, and I don’t advocate anyone else doing it, but screw it, I’ve got nothing better to do this morning. Enjoy the story of one mans incredible struggle with forces of nature…
Anyway, back to the story……I hopelessly wandered about looking for a place to drop this load when I saw my salvation in the distance. Like a vision out of the heavens it read……Family Changing Area. I started running for I knew that no families are at the Joe watching Toby Keith and that the family restroom was my only shot at getting rid of the coming thunder in my gut. As I neared my destination, the pressure started to build…….I finally arrived and discovered to my horror that all the f*cking thing had was changing tables!! Nowhere in sight was a place to take a dump. Now, I am legendary for sh!tting and holding sh!ts, so calmly, I looked for a new place. However, I had not ever had pressure like this before.
Horrified I started to begin my quest a new, when quite suddenly my a$$hole, quite literally exploded! I sh!t my f*cking pants! ……….
Right there…..in the middle of 5,000 people…….. in the concourse at the f*cking Joe Louis Arena….. I sh!t my f*cking pants!
Sh!t was exploding out of my a$$hole filling my pants at an alarming rate, with no sign of stopping. Never in my life had I taken such a big sh!t, and this time it was in my f*cking pants!! Not knowing what to do, I looked for somewhere to go to get my head together. I saw a secluded spot behind the Little Ceasers station. I had to do the stiff legged “poop walk” over to this hallway. As I hobbled over, I noticed sh!t starting to seep out of the bottom of my jeans, creating a poop trail to my hiding spot!! Oh, sweet Jesus what do I do? I am at a concert, my wife is all the way in the sixth f*cking row, and I have an a$$load of sh!t in my jeans!!! To top it off, the nearest bathroom is what seems like miles away!! Just when it can’t get any worse, this beautiful woman sees me bent over with my *** against the wall and says “hey what are you doing over there?” Oh dear God, I think, she is coming this way!!!! I look down and see sh!t all over the top of my shoe!! While I was frantically struggling for what to do next, she walks over and says; “Is this some kind of secret bathroom, everyone else is in line out here?”
“Nah, I am waiting for my wife, why do you ask?”, I say trying to sound unconcerned about the giant tub of butt chile in my pants. “Because it kind of smells like pooh over here”, she replies!!!
I wished for my life to end right there.
I had to stand there for twenty minutes waiting for the concert to start before it got clear enough for my to get to the f*cking bathroom!! When I finally got to the stall, I did not know what to do. I took down my pants and was horrified at the shear volume of sh!t in my pants. I had to rip off my underwear like Conan the Barbarian and throw them in the corner. I looked down and discovered that the sh!t had soaked through to my jeans and that I was covered in sh!t from my balls to my ankles!! I sat down to collect my thoughts and promptly slid off the f*cking toilet seat because I had so much sh!t on my ***! As I lay there in miscellaneous puddles of piss, I wished for my life to end for the second time that night. I stood up and I began to wipe off my butt, thighs and calfs when I noticed sh!t all over my shoe. I took my shoe off. Sh!t was on and in my sock!! I took my sock off. I was now standing naked on one leg with my pants on the floor and a sh!t filled shoe in my hand. All of a sudden ,someone started f*cking banging on the door. “What the hell is going on in there?” someone yells. “F*ck off a$$hole”, I say trying to vent some of my embarrasment as rage. “This is the Detroit Police a$$hole, come out or we are coming in!”, came the reply. “Is something wrong, you have been in there for almost an hour!” Dumbstruck I say, “Oh, its o.k. I sat in some sh!t and I am trying to get it off my jeans”. In between howls of laughter from the other drunken patrons of the sh!thouse came back, “oh don’t worry, take all….the….time….you….need”. I wished for my life to end for the third time that night.
I go back to the task at hand and start scraping the sh!t out of my jeans. Pull, scrape, flush. Pull, scrape, flush. I went through two giant rolls of toilet paper when I discovered that I had run out!! I did not know what to do, or how I was going to get out of here!! I decided to pull up my pants and wrap my sweater around my waist. This left me with only my whitey tighty, but a tight shirt was the least of my worries.
I went to the sink to wash up and headed out. I walked up to the nearest shirt vendor and asked to be given “the biggest f*cking t shirt you have, I don’t care what it says” I happily paid 30 bucks for the “I heart Toby Keith” shirt that the f*cker gave me. I put it on and adjusted my sweater around my waist, ran up to the bar and got
my two drinks, and headed back to my wife.
When I finally got back, she said “where the hell have you been? I was worried”. I did not respond. My wife, being filled with Margerita’s began to dance to “Who’s your daddy?”. “Dance with me babe”, she says. “Nah, I’m good”, I respond. “Whats the matter” she says as she looks into my eyes. “I just sh!t my pants, babe”, I say struggling to hold on to the last vestiges of my manhood.
“YOU WHAT? …………………….DID YOU WIPE OFF? ………………….WHAT DID YOU DO WITH YOUR UNDERWEAR?” came the rapid fire questions. “Do I stink?” I say, “Do you think other people can smell me?” She drunkenly says, “No, I don’t think so”. I related the story, and she asked if I wanted to go…..I said “F*ck no, I paid $300 for these tickets, I am watching this f*cking concert!”
I started to watch the concert and even got into a few songs. Just then I noticed that everytime a adjusted a bit, a God-awful smell would come up. I stood there stiff legged for about an hour with sh!t drying in my pants when I noticed this buxom brunette that was sitting in front of me yelling at her husband. She was looking back saying “Did you just f*cking fart?”, she asks. “NO” comes the response. “Why?” “It smells like someone sh!t there f*cking pants!” she says as she waved the offending smell away from her!! ……….Oh for the love of God………My worst fears were confirmed, people around me could smell!!! Just then one of the two big girls sitting behind my yells, “It smells like a dirty diaper around here!” I wished for my life to end for the fourth and final time that night. After waiting for the proper seconds to tick by, so as not to be connected with the previous comments; I told Jen that we had to leave.
All the way back to the car, I had to walk with sh!t now freezing to my legs. I also had my legs and balls chaffing from the friction of movement. When we finally got to the car, we had to drive all the way home with the windows down. I almost puked from the smell. Forty five humilliating minutes later, I finally arrived at my house!!
I thought you would all appreciate the humor in the situation. Please be advised that it is 100% true and there has been no exaggerations. I will never forget the Toby Keith concert and will never eat at Tom’s Oyster Bar again!! Please feel free to share with your friends so that they don’t have the same experience at Tom’s!!
Un-f*cking-believeable!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pouring One Out for my Homie – Joaquin Benoit
Derek Holland Interview – Grant Schiller
Here is an interview Grant Schiller, everyones favorite little Ranger fan, did with Derek Holland. Great stuff from the young fan, some really insightful stuff. Here’s a sample…
3.
When you went through the draft-and-follow process, how sure were you that you
would sign?
The draft-and-follow process was a pretty
neat thing to experience. Well, I wasn’t too sure that I would sign but at the
same time, the more I talked with my agent and my college coaches… they helped,
as well as my parents, with my decision. The more I talked with the area scout,
Jeff Wood, also helped with my decision, and I could tell this was definitely
the right place for me to go. I do not regret my decision at all and am happy
with this organization and all the players I have been able to play with.
Guest Post – Catcher Situation and Introducing Ben Siegel
Ben Siegel, one of the few people who actually look at my blog has written up a short analysis of the catching situation, here it is:
Red Sox are still in ongoing discussions about a possible deal for one
of the ranger catchers in exchange for Clay Buccholz. This report
hinted the reason the Rangers brought in Adam Melhuse last week was to
make sure they have a solid backup when Salty or Teagarden is dealt.
The only way a trade would go down right now is if Jason Varitek turns
down a deal worth approximately $5 million and an option for the 2010
season. To me, we need to deal Salty. Either he’s not what he’s
suppose to be or he’s not going to work in Texas. I’d rather see
Teagarden catch because he can play defense which maybe hints the name
Pudge Rodriguez!?
Guest Post – Catcher Situation and Introducing Ben Siegel
Ben Siegel, one of the few people who actually look at my blog has written up a short analysis of the catching situation, here it is:
Red Sox are still in ongoing discussions about a possible deal for one
of the ranger catchers in exchange for Clay Buccholz. This report
hinted the reason the Rangers brought in Adam Melhuse last week was to
make sure they have a solid backup when Salty or Teagarden is dealt.
The only way a trade would go down right now is if Jason Varitek turns
down a deal worth approximately $5 million and an option for the 2010
season. To me, we need to deal Salty. Either he’s not what he’s
suppose to be or he’s not going to work in Texas. I’d rather see
Teagarden catch because he can play defense which maybe hints the name
Pudge Rodriguez!?
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